Thankful

You know as bad as my lift might get
as crazy as it might seem
and even all the times that I wish
that I had something/someone different in my life
I'm incredibly thankful that I'm alive
and that this is my life to live. This
is my life and these are my experiences
and God does have a plan for me.
I wouldn't trade this life for anything.

Fuckin RollerCoaster

I want the world to slow down. I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. Do I want to settle down? Do I want a family? Do I want to stay in Indiana? What is my career going to be?

Worry Worry Worry

All over me like a thick peanut butter mess that I can't wipe off.

I don't want to get out of college yet. I don't feel prepared. I'm not thinking like a teacher. I'm still thinking like a student. And not a very good student by the way.

I'm a slacker. I'm not using my time wisely. I'm hanging out with my boyfriend all the time because he helps keep me sane but then I get behind in work and I get more insane.

It's a fuckin rollercoaster that I can't get off of because this lap bar is so damn tight.

(slow down)
(pray)
(deep breaths)
(it'll be alright)

I don't have to know what I'm going to do with my life, but so often I want to know and it scares me that I don't.

Hormones suck

I don't know what was up with my, why I was acting so crazy. But then again even as I say that, I don't think that I was crazy. I was being a girl.

Normally, I can deal with those sorts of emotions and I don't let them interfere with my relationships.

I blames hormones.

Anywho, for some reason or another I feel better. Sorta.

I mean I still stand beside everything that I said. I wasn't lying about missing him or wanting to be wanted. But at least I got myself more under control to where I can control that.

It sounds like I'm just shoving it away...but it's more like I'm just not letting it rule me. I let it out every now and then. I take it out for a walk, give it fresh air.

But yea. Hormones suck.

More Silly me

All I'm saying over and over in my head is...

Love me!

Want to spend time with me.

Added Thought

At least we'll have a weekend together at Thunder Over Louisville.

That's better than nothing I suppose.

Melodramatic-ness

I guess this will be for whoever is listening/reading, but I feel kinda shitty. I mean. I feel like I'm in this weird place right now. I'm sad but I'm mad but I'm not really mad because I really don't want to get mad.

I really don't have a good grasp of what I'm feeling. I want to spend spring break with my boyfriend, but he's going to Vegas with his mom. I was like ok at first. I get to see him at school. She wants some time alone. I was fine with this.

But then shit starts hitting the fan and now I never see him. He's always working on critiques for his art studios and busy and hardly texts me. I don't want to be selfish I really don't. My mom always said that in a relationship when you start asking "how does this benefit me" you start going downhill. But I'm not overly demanding. I try super hard not to be. I just want some special time with my man :(

And when I tried talking to him again tonight, I was timid and weird and distant. I knew it wouldn't really matter anyway. He plans everything so right in front of him. He doesn't see any further than his next crit. then what's happening this week. So when I asked when they're leaving for Vegas he said he'd know when his mom told him to get on the plane. It only bothers me sometimes when it comes to our relationship that he doesn't always seem to take the time to think about us you know?

And yea so I really don't want to go home for spring break. My friends never do anything for spring break. Kent explicitly said that he's not coming home, that he's going to go off with friends. And plus there's another family living with my family. And the parents are living in my room. So if I come home I can't even be in my own room for that week. How sucky is that?

And really I guess I am pulling the selfish card :( I don't want to go home, partly because it'll be weird for me, but really in all honesty because I want some quality time with my guy. Is that too much to ask for? I know I "get to see him all the time" here at school. But that's not quality time. We're both so stressed with all my reading and papers due and all his art critiques that it's always so strained. We never go anywhere really. Just hang out at his house. And even now we hardly do that because we don't have the time. :(

It's just....I feel like I miss him....even when he's here....

And I just wish that he wanted to spend as much time with me as I want to with him, but he seems to just kinda push it off and say that I get to see him during the school year. Well...she spent 18 years with you and I've only just come into your life. Can't I have a little more time for us?

I know I sound whiny....and I hardly ever sound this melodramatic....

Idk....I guess above everything else I want to spend quality time with him and I wish that he wanted to spend quality time with me :(

But I guess we don't always get what we want outta life.

Life thus far

You know this semester has been so hectic lately. I can't believe that I'm taking 5 English classes. Yes, 5 English classes! What the fuck was I thinking.....

I'm writing down so much stuff in my planner that I can't even keep up with it all.

My profs are sending me all sorts of emails with stuff that's due for next class. At first I thought this was great cuz I didn't necessarily have to keep track of stuff. But hell I just keep dropping the ball all over the place.

And don't give me this shit of, "oh you're crying about this, but I bet it's not that bad" or "I think you need to grow up and stop complaining cuz you're in college and this is what it's like for everyone"

Shut the hell up!

I'll say what I want and if you think I'm being such a nancy about it, here's a boot that can go right up your ass.

If you don't think that.....
Well then thank you for sympathizing.

Just so you know I have this tendency to get defensive because that's how I've had to grown up with my siblings. It's just at the forefront of my mind to protect myself from others and their opinions.

Not that I'm apologizing for anything.
This is just so you know.

But yea past the whole defensive rant that just kinda burst forth, which I guess I could go back and delete so that no one has to know that part about me, but fuck it.

Classes are hectic, lots of stuff going on, lots of papers being written, lots of books being read.
I'm not seeing my friends as often as I'd like cuz to be frank I use my breaks during the day to do homework and in the evening I'm doing more homework.

And the weekends I spend with my beaux :) <3
Tell you what I hardly get a chance to see him at all during the week so it's great to have the weekends together to go get groceries, watch a couple movies, or go into the studios and work on our projects together.

It's just hard finding time for everyone and I feel like I'm dropping the ball on that too.



haha well maybe not necessarily in that sense
more like....



in the more metaphorical sense

But yea college. Gotta get my shit together cuz I'm gonna be here for another 2 years.

Yea super senior!

For the boyfriend

I love how my boyfriend reads my blogs :P
I dunno I just like the fact that he pays attention to me more than just listening to what I'm saying, he's going beyond that.

So honey, thanks ;)

xoxo




p.s. I look totally awful in this picture but at least he looks good :)

love love love his smile :)

Writing a Novel

I've never been very interested in writing a novel. I'm more of the short story/ poetry kinda gal. But then I signed up for 407 Advanced Creative Fiction with Cathy Day.

I read her novel, her linked stories more like.

I like the teacher but I just can't wrap my head around the idea of writing a novel.

It's just the fact that I don't fell like I have the endurance to write that much.

She's having us write 2,250 words each week.

each week!

and I'm floundering. I can't do it. I don't have that much material inside of me to write that much.

Then there's also the fact that I really don't like that I am being forced to write. Well force is a harsh word.....but just the fact that it is being required of me makes that little kid inside scream, "I don't wanna!"

So this is why I'm writing this blog.
And not working on my writing.
Because right now
I just don't give a flying fuck